The following is a poem I wrote for myself before the first day of our clinical anatomy lab.
She is not alive in the traditional sense
But we all live on in some ways after we’re gone
We leave traces behind
And she can trace herself to every patient I will treat
Every life I may save
Every time my training leads me to make a correct diagnosis
She is teaching me
I wonder why she made this gift… what was her motivation?
Did she have any cultural or spiritual wishes I could be observing?
Should I take a moment of gratitude before she teaches me each week?
Many friends, family, and mentors have invested themselves in my success
I thank them often
She has invested herself too
And I wish I could thank her
It’s strange really
Her gift is making me feel pressure. Weight.
I want her gift to be worthwhile
I know she made her gift hoping I would make the most of it
Without ever knowing me
In Judaism we have an expression when someone dies
“May their memory be a blessing”
And while her memory may be a blessing for those who knew her then
I know her now
And I’d like to offer an adaption
“May her presence be a teaching”
She is not a memory for me
She is with me every week
Fully present
Playing an active part in my education
As my teacher and my guide
And while she may not be alive in the traditional sense
She is very alive through the gift she has given me
And I am humbled to use her gift for good
I wish I could make her proud
And thank her
Let her know how she is helping me help others
But maybe she already knew
And maybe she wasn’t the type
Who needed to be thanked anyways
Amir Kashfi is a first-year MD/ MPH student at UACOMP.